December 31,2010

I can't believe that today is the last day of 2010! This year has really flown by. The old saying goes "time flies when you're having fun", but it also flies when you are stressed to the max and worried about the people you love. It is always interesting to me when I look back and see how God uses difficulties in our lives to show us a path we should take in the future. I have seen that I have the capacity to be strong for those around me facing the loss of a very dear loved one. I have found that I thrive caring for someone that has always been my caretaker. I have realized that although I have never wanted to be a teacher, I have been one for the last fifteen years. But I think the most profound thing I have learned about myself this year is that I put stumbling blocks in the path the I want to take due to fear. Fear is a strong weapon satan uses to keep us from seeing God's plan for our lives. If we constantly give into that fear then we in some ways become followers of the evil one. Having said that I realize that the upcoming year is really going to test my resolve to not be as I have been in years past, fearful. So I have chosen a word that will be my "mantra" for 2011...FEARLESS. I will be fearless in the knowledge that God is with me in every step I take, in every decision I make, in every thought I think, in every word that comes from my mouth, in every thing He is my shield of FEARLESSNESS!

My new goal for my blog is to start posting pictures. This is especially important since I have started down the road to redecorate as many rooms in my house as possible before Christmas. I know it sounds nuts, the hubby thinks so too and wants to excuse himself from any and all handyman duties. The first room I'm working on is the transformation of the "unplayroom" over the garage to the awesome teen suite for Madison. So far I have the walls painted an amazing shade of smoky plumish-purple. Actually, I have to give a big high five to Madison for her great painting skills, thanks to her it was almost entirely finished in about 3 hours. Now if I can just find my extender poll I could finish the walls above the stairs. The vision for the room is boutique hotel style. The most exciting project for the room is the door to desk. That's right, we are taking an old door and revamping it into a fabulous desk. I can't wait!! So I really need to wrap my head around loading pictures to my posts. Guess I better start reading the help section. Wish me luck!!!

Busy, Boring, Beautiful

I have totally enjoyed today. Helped a friend fix a costume for her daughter and got some great conversation time. Then headed off to Portsmouth Naval Hospital with Greg and the little girls for his pain management appointment. Caroline and Allison really surprised me with their amazing behavior. I know that they are sweet girls and can be darling but in situations where we are just sitting and waiting, well they tend to lean to the demonic end of the spectrum. Thankfully today was a blessing. They sat happily, checking out a couple of toys in the waiting room and talking to each other. Only after 2 and a half hours did they start to have mild complaints. I really couldn't blame them, we were all starving, we had left the house without snacks and missed lunch. Bad mommy! So they got a big treat of McDonald's for what we,thanks to Caroline, affecionately named "dinch", dinner and lunch morphed together.
The rest of the day went smoothly. The big girls got home. We all ate. We worked on some homework. We all vegged out and everybody just enjoyed a quiet, uneventful evening. Sometimes I just love do-nothing nights. They don't happen often but when they do, I savor every moment. I think most people today just don't know how to appreciate the beauty of boring.

So lately I have been pretty busy with my half homeschool schedule and wishing that I was rich enough to have all the girls in this program with Oaktree. I mean I feel so guilty every time they go to their respective schools. I would love to pull them out and start full time homeschooling with an awesome curriculum I have found online but I think at this point in the year it would do more harm than good. So I pray a lot! I make plans for next year when they will either be at Oaktree or full time with me. It cracks me up that I am enjoying this way of life so much. I NEVER wanted to homeschool, in fact I thought all homeschool kids and parents were a little on the odd side. Thankfully my perception has changed!
Of course all this desire to have my kids "un-public schooled" is made even more difficult for my husband to swallow due to the fact that I am supposed to be starting college(again) in January. I know he means well but his lack of confidence in my plans and schemes is very disheartening. I wish I had some magic potion to give him that would help him to see things through my eyes. I mean in my mind it all flows so smoothly and there are rainbows and sweet little butterflies flitting from child to child as I teach and study and bake homemade bread and sew and all the girls get along and they help each other lovingly and... Ok, enough dreaming. All I know is I think it is the right thing for me and the girls and the hubby if he will just embrace it.

This has been an exciting week for some of our friends. They welcomed a sweet little boy to their wonderful family. I am thrilled for them. I am escpecially excited to hold him. I just love holding a baby. But it comes at a time for me that is always difficult. There are two days that always bring me to such a low point and the weeks leading up to them are pretty rough. March 27th is the first, the day we lost our third baby. October 15th is the second, the day that baby was due. I wish we were planning a birthday party but we aren't. We are instead sadly thinking of what could have been, what should have been. I am also thinking about how over these past eight years if it would have been a little easier if I could have known if the baby was a boy or a girl. Would it make it easier to have a name to go with the little soul that left here too soon? At the time I thought knowing would make it harder, now I think that was so wrong. So this year like all the others I will pray that my baby is being held by his or her heavenly Father patiently waiting for me to one day be there.

Back Again

Well, here I go again. Trying to get back into the blogging swing is like trying to diet when you work at a Krispy Kreme! I have all these amazing thoughts running around in my head every night as I collapse into bed too exhausted to actually get up and type what is churning in my brain but not to tired to think out every single word as I am trying to drift off. I really should put one of the laptops next to the bed, then I could just roll over type and then roll back into the fetus postion I so love and snooze. Or maybe I could get one of those tiny recorders and just start talking and then transcribe it all when the sun comes up! Yeah, I don't think Greg would love me too much if every night as he is lulling himself into dreamland with his schizophrenic twitches I start gabbing about what has gone on in my day. So I guess I will just have to remember my thoughts each day, then sometime during the following day eek out a few minutes to sit in a nice, quiet, sunfilled spot and let the writer in me take over. (Now at this point I am giggling.) Cause like really when do I find that. At this very moment the little girls are playing hotel with Ginger and running in and out of the back door. Grady keeps growling and wanting me to give him a treat. The tv is on, which is a big deal around here lately since I banned it when school started. And now it's time to go pick up Madison from school.

Well, if I was in Virginia I would be starting my first day of classes tomorrow. But due to unforseen circumstances I will be delaying my freshman year until January. At first I was pretty bummed but I have now come to realize that it was a blessing. I will be able to get the girls all settled in to their new schools and get our routine down before I jump in to my educational journey. I am so thankful that I am not a type A personality! I would so be having a hissy fit by now and Greg would be thinking he needed to up my meds without my knowledge.

Exercise, why do I hate thee?

So I am on my way to pick up the hubby last night. It's been a week. I'm sure that he has worked out and run every day. Why can't I find the motivation, the endurance, the love for excerise? Hubby really does love it! If he doesn't get to the gym, he is a very grouchy gus.

I know the benefits of exercising. I know it's the only way for me to lose weight and keep it off. I know that it releases endorphins that make me less postal. So why can't I commit to it everyday?

It's not that the mere thought of exercise disgusts me...far from it. I actually love to fantasize about being a runner or triathalete. I love the way I feel after I come back from the gym or a run/walk, but I can never stick with it every single day.

Something has to change! I want to love exercising everyday! Wonder how long it will take me to follow through with that statement?

Memories and other drama

It seems like forever since my last post. Life here has been an emotional rollercoaster. Greg was gone, Greg was here, Aunt Farris's cancer is back full blown, Greg is gone again, Granny went into the hospital for pnuemonia and left with a possible cancer diagnoses, the girls are bored, the kitchen hasn't been finished.... So the venting helps to calm my nerves. Let's see what I can post about other than the crazy stuff going on.

So here I am in this place I call my hometown. Every road I take has some memory attached to it. I hear a song from the "old days" and my mind floods with images of life as a kid/teen in a small town. It's funny how places and songs go hand in hand to form some of the best thoughts one can have as they get older.

I'm sure the girls get tired of the stories that I recall as we drive around. "That's where Amy lived." "Over there is where I used to buy gas for .79 cents a gallon and get powdered donuts and chocolate milk on my way to school." "This is the road I drove to church, often reaching speeds close to 100 miles an hour." IF they are sick of the reminiscing they are keeping it to themselves, which I greatly appreciate. Speaking aloud the thoughts of this place make it seem fun, romantic, even magical! Of course there are the occasional sad memories, I mean they can't all be great, but somehow it's easier to think about the heartbreaking times when it is all wrapped up in warm, fuzziness.

Despite the fact that my girls haven't grown up in the same town since birth I hope that I have equipped them with the tools to love the places we've lived and to treasure the things we've done there. To lock some great times away in their memory vaults. I hope one day they will take their kids back to the cities that were their hometowns and tell the stories that make them smile when the thought crosses their minds.

Today as I sat in the church where I was married I was struck by how much smaller it looked than on that cold December day almost 19 years ago. That day is was warm not just from the heater but from all the love that filled the space. Today it was cold, not from the blasting air conditioning, but from the people that sat in the pews that I didn't know and probably would never know. Having lived away since the day I married and having attended more churches than I can count on one hand my perspective of this little place has completely changed. Now this was not the church I was raised in. That little congregation is barely hanging on but still the people are kind and you can feel something, the Holy Spirit or the closesness they feel for one another, their family. Sticking together through good times and bad. But the church where I married it's just a building filled with people that are dutifully filling pews, singing hymns that I know by heart, bowing there heads and yet barely speaking to each other much less a visitor. There is tension in this place like they hardly know each other. Shouldn't they want to share life's ups and downs and prepare for spending eternity together? Maybe I am being too hard on them. Maybe I am too disconnected from them, only coming to visit a few times a year. Maybe I need to pray for them more and pray for God to give me an understanding about this church. All I know is that the church where we are members now fills me with joy before I even step in the door. When I am feeling down, the people there come in and lift me up. I know that when I sin my family there doesn't judge me, they pray for me and cry with me and help me renew my relationship with God. I want that feeling for everyone that enters a church, any church.

Too Close?

I feel like I have been gone forever, (it's been over two weeks since we left Virginia). Not just from my house but from my blog. Things are going well but I can rarely find the time to sit at the computer without an audience. It's hard for me to write what I am thinking when there are anywhere from 2 to 6 people hovering about me.

I really don't think I could have survived the communal lifestyle of the late sixties and early seventies. Geez, those freaks did everything together; eat, sleep, play...EVERYTHING!

Having said all that, I do love that we are together. The three older girls are sharing a room here at Nana's. I hear them giggling at night, fussing over what movie to watch, and then saying "I love you" to each other before they fall asleep. They may complain,as do I, about the constant closeness but these are memories they will cherish when they are grown.

Tennessee

We arrived in Tennessee yesterday afternoon. I was, as always, apprehensive about leaving our "home" to return "HOME"; this time was harder because we will be traveling for 2 months. All my apprehension melted away as I stood on the back deck of my mother-in-law's house gazing out over the expanse of yard and forest. The temperature here is unreal, cool and breezy in the late evening and early morning. I think this may be what heaven is like. I can picture myself sitting in a swing growing old here, watching the grandchildren romp with the dogs. Ah! Life is good...

Those dog people

I'm finally feeling well enough to sit at the computer and write. The weekend flew by with so much going on and then I was hit by some evil virus. YUCK! Anyway, things are on the upswing.
We said farewell to a wonderful family on Saturday. Andrea and Nathan as well as there boys were a delight to be around. We really loved getting to know them when we were all in a Marriage Enrichment seminar at church. Andrea was also instumental in getting me to face my fear of the gym. We are going to miss you Bolton family! Hope Texas treats you well.
So the above mentioned farewell party led me to a realization, I have become one of "those dog people". You know the ones, they ooh and goo at their puppies, spend more money on the pooch than their children and take them everywhere they go. Well, that's me! Since adopting Ginger I have become a nut! I talk to her like I talked to the girls when they were babies. Any chance I have to run to Petsmart I take it. I just love to peruse the little clothes, toys and other accessories. I love it when people smile at us when we are walking around. Can we say a little weird? I have taken this little peeing and pooping machine with me everywhere. To the store, to the farewell party, even to church! Yep! Crazy dog lady, that's me!! I am trying to pin point what it is about this little sweetie that has made me so wacko. I mean I have had Grady for over a year and I love him too but it's different. Maybe it's because she is so tiny, or that she loves to snuggle with me under a blanket and sleep, or maybe it's the way she runs to me with wild abandon on those stubby little legs when she spots me. What ever the reason I am truly enjoying it. So if I am labeled a " crazy dog person" then so be it!

Hi, I'm a freshman

It's official! The letter just came. I am a college freshman! EEEEEK!!!

Schizophrenia and roller coasters

I went to bed last night with so much running through my head that I thought I might be schizophrenic. I had all these ideas of things I want to write about. Here are a few... my 2oth high school reunion-fun or a waist of money?, did I really start a blog?, the DIY projects that I need to finish are mocking me, school at my age?, why can't I make the gym a priority? and the list goes on and on. Thanks to HGTV and Design Star, why do they have to have so much talking?, I was finally able to dose off. I awoke this morning ready to face the day and write something fabulous. LOL! So here goes. I realized this morning just how comical my life will become in September. I will be a freshman in college, my oldest will be a freshman in high school, I will have a 7th grader, a 2nd grader and a preschooler. That's FIVE schools that I will be traveling to and from almost every day of the week! I may need to replace my GMC yukon xl with a rickshaw that will hold us all or get a job just to cover the gas bill. I have to remind myself it's all going to be worth it. I see it like this... I'm doing something for me to secure a future that I may one day have to traverse alone (God forbid). Greg worries about stuff like that ,bless his heart, he just wants to know that we will be alright. I hope that my girls will find me empowering, a little like Wonder Woman. All I know is that I am freaked out but thrilled. It's like a roller coaster ride! WOOHOO! I just hope I don't throw-up.

Today I begin

Today I begin writing about what is going on in my life and how it will be changing over the coming months. You see as if my life isn't busy enough being married to a navy officer, a mom to 4 girls and keeper of 2 dogs, now I have decided to go back to college and pursue my nursing degree. It's a dream that has been on hold for too long and thankfully my wonderful husband has encouraged me to stop putting it off. So how will I manage the house, the kids, the dogs, the husband, the gym, the classes, the homework (the kids & mine)? With lots of prayer and an occasional shot of whiskey! Just kidding! I'm sure there will be tons of prayer and that God will guide me on this new journey.